Defining Family....and Trust and ALWAYS the call for humility.

Defining Family....and Trust and ALWAYS the call for humility.
I am going to share some of my scraps of paper that I am famous for.  It is through these scraps of paper that I discovered memories that have defined what a family is. My prayer is that as I unfold my scraps of paper the definition of family will be exposed to you.  The preciousness of family is found in the midst of experiences, both good and bad.   I will share different memories that have focused on different attributes of character training.  One of the characteristics that will always bring discipline is the sin of pride.  Through experiences, God has kept me moving toward humility as I have learned more of His way of living.


I.  The giving and losing of trust and the flagrant example of blinding pride.


What is family?


Family is being in a place where you are trying to talk but no one is listening; and suddenly you feel like no one ever listens. So you throw a plate to the floor out of control with anger and tears hoping someone will care.  If the “children” at bay are old enough they will whisper, thinking I am deaf, “I think Mom is hormonal”.  If the children at bay are younger, they just get silent and obedient.  If Dad is around everyone starts doing things that are seldom ever done without asking.  Regardless of the age or circumstance, the surprise is that they do care. The noise stops and the voices pause, then in unison they all say:  “Mom have you been getting enough rest?”    The environment of a family is so safe that the Mom can say, “It is not rest I need.  I need someone to pay attention to me too!”


A family allows for needs and wants to be recognized and met.  A family walks with someone hurting out of choice, not out of need or expectations.  Fears, boundaries and emotions are exposed and understood.  Sometimes this happens with a lot of drama, which creates opportunities for repentance, but a family keeps no secrets hidden.


·         Family is a place where the parents can be transparent with the hopes that the children will be too.


·         Family is a place that the parent humbles herself apologizes for out of control behavior and asks for forgiveness.  


·         Family is vulnerable. Parents and children practice boundaries, and learn the difference between “I am sorry” called an apology and “I ask your forgiveness for being so selfish and I want to change” which is called repentance.           


In a family the forgiveness has already been given, and the outrageous offensive act now gets tossed into the museum that stores all the memories that will someday completely define family and its legacy. The family walks beside each one as the heart training begins and the mind transforms, resulting in true repentance and changed behavior.  True humility recognizes the need for forgiveness and repentance. In a family the balance of GRACE and TRUTH(the need for change, the problem etc) is balanced.  The family is not afraid of laughter in the midst of horrific drama that is perceived or real.  


·         A family allows you to be out of control, say all the wrong things, throw a dish on the floor out of anger and still be loved.  You are not loved because of what you do, you are loved simply because you were born and created by our precious Lord.  You are valued because you were born and that means NOTHING YOU DO could make God not love you or your family not love you.


·         A family is being vulnerable to your children for years and then like magic, one by one each child begins to show their transparency too.


The fear of confessing mistakes, asking for help, sharing openly with the most difficult of subjects begins to happen.  But the only means they have of developing a deep enough trust to be transparent themselves is through the wiliness of the parent to model personal transparency. 


My desire for my family to trust me has always been so great that I took many risks in being transparent to them.  Below is one of many personal experiences I will share with you that helped in defining family for the Hobarts.  Trust was always a big deal for Rich and me.  As young parents it was “hit and miss” how to train trust.  It was finally a memory of the wisdom of my Mom years earlier that taught me it is gained through the passage of time and experiences.  Trust does not happen at a certain age nor is it a gift. Trust begins to unfold at the moment of birth.  The years pass and trust gets pulled many ways before it becomes fruit.
The following is an example of trust that was foiled by poor parenting, but through the grace of God it turned into good.  That is what our daddy in heaven is so good at; turning anything we bungle up into something special. 

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  Our sons were teens when Rich and I were called out of town.  Both the boys had wrestling commitments and they convinced us that we could certainly trust them to stay home.  The rules were written in cement:  the car would stay parked, NO ONE would be in the house that did not have the last name of Hobart, and their usual chores would be done.  What is ridiculous is that I believed all that nonsense.  I am sure their minds were planning the party as they were saying goodbye to us!  The process of working through that is for another time and required a great deal of humility on our part as parents.  Our sons had sinned…period. That sin was:  willful and planned disobedience, disrespect for neighbors and parents, disrespect for property, lying and deceit.  But the grace of God kept me focused, eventually on His voice and I recognized my own motives and sin in the experience.  As usual God remained faithful.   


My Mom had Alzheimer’s and was in a nursing home in Kansas City.  Being very close to my momma,  across the miles was a struggle, and this was a critical stage in her disease.  We left on Friday night and arrived home on Sunday afternoon.  I should have suspected trouble while getting out of the car.  It was at that moment I spotted Leo from across the street approaching me.  It went something like this:  Leo saying, “Karen I believe the boys ran over my plastic deer in the yard and knocked its head off.  I have reason to believe they might have been drinking.”  Karen the clueless Mom says, “Oh dear Leo.  You are so kind to mention this and have such concern but it must have been someone else who knocked the head off your deer. You see for the boys to have done that they would have to have been driving and they promised not to use the car except for a dire emergency. Micah and Seth do not drink alcohol and of course they do not break promises.   It would not be worth the risk of messing up their wrestling season.  They promised no friends in the house and Leo we can’t have a party without friends can we?”


I could feel the foolishness of defenses rolling up in my Momma Bear mentality.  I privately admitted to myself I was sounding sarcastic.  I even thought I noticed Leo rolling his eyes and getting a little bit annoyed but in retrospect his patience was impressive.


Secretly I had been hoping for several months that someone would knock the head off of his ridiculous plastic deer that sat in a pronounced place of honor in his front yard.  I even recall saying to Rich “Wouldn’t it be nice if someone would run over that stupid plastic deer and get it out of the neighborhood?”  The thoughts were beginning to flood my mind when I remember Rich commenting back that someone would have to be blindfolded and drunk to run into that deer.  He reminded me it was right smack in the middle of the yard. Leo shook me out of my deep secret thoughts with a more aggressive accusation: “Karen I also think there was a party at your house that included drinking.”  


Listening to Leo I became agitated and predictably defensive over my innocent boys. How could the boys be so falsely accused! Quite curtly I replied, “It is so difficult being the sons and daughters of the superintendent in a small school district.”  I began to point out that fact to my sweet neighbor and then added “It is so difficult being in the spotlight and having people always looking out the window to try and catch someone making a wrong choice.  It creates a lot of pressure for high school students who are trying to do the right thing and sometimes falter.” Please note: this is an example of a foolish parent creating the road of foolishness in their children by being BLIND to their foolish behavior and defending them. I was a fool who was deep in pride.  I did not want anyone to think our boys would have anything to do with a drinking party.


Leo then says, “You are right.  That is a struggle with preacher’s kids too.  I probably am mistaken about the incident.”  Then almost sarcastically he added, “I guess I should have gone over to thank Seth and Micah for coming over in the middle of the night to try and glue the head back on my plastic deer.  I would have thanked them but after seeing it was 3:00 a.m. and realizing your two sons were being so neighborly, I was afraid I would scare them if I came out at that time of night.  I would be very happy if you would thank them for me.  Wow, Karen, you really have instilled a sense of honor, the golden rule and work ethic for two teenage boys to work in the middle of the night when they could see so much better in the daylight!”


With those words, Leo turned and walked back to his home. I was sure he was convinced I was carrying a plastic head on my own shoulders that made me so blind.  The evidence of a break of trust was mounting pretty quickly against my two innocent sons, but I chose to gracefully thank Leo for his concern and trekked across the lawn to our home.


Walking in, I was taken by surprise as to the rare order and cleanliness that greeted me.  It actually smelled as if a “rose aerosol room deodorizer” had exploded right in the middle of the dining room.  Again the trust was fast falling to the basement when my two innocent boys came in saying, “Hi, Mom can we help get things out of the car?”  Take note, precious as they were it was a rare occasion that they would race to offer assistance to empty the car after a trip of any nature.


Unfortunately, the request to help coupled with the aroma of rose permeating my nostrils hurt their case and led me to another question, “Boys I notice the car is not in the driveway?”  Silence fell as heavy as an Iowa snowstorm that tears out the electricity for a week!  Finally I guess they realized it was not me who was to talk as I was the one who had asked a very simple question. Micah was the first to break the silence.


It seems Micah and his girlfriend broke up which necessitated a dire emergency to use the car.  In his eagerness to resolve the break-up, the rains came and he misjudged the curve and hit the stop sign which threw the car in a spin landing in the ditch.  He was not hurt and he knew I would be so thankful.  The question to the car was still not answered so I just stood waiting howbeit was getting very difficult as I could sense I might lose control! Well the car had been totaled and hauled to the car graveyard. They kept the keys.   I finally got brave enough to ask about Leo’s precious plastic deer head.  Several hours later the sordid details were laid out and the grim reality of paying your own car insurance began to sink in Micah and Seth.


I explained to the boys, once my anger had subsided, that I had to examine my own motive for my anger. It became imperative that I be transparent with my weaknesses if I thought the boys would ever receive the lesson I was hoping to impart.  I was selfish too:  I did not care about Leo’s plastic deer, I did not care that he was being so respectful to my sons in the manner that he was sharing, and I did not care that both my sons’ integrity was questionable.   His intent was never to get them in trouble, but to keep them out of trouble in the future.  With probably too much belaboring of the points we were able to leave it as a learning experience and actually be thankful for it.  Don’t fool yourself; the thankful part did not come quickly!


I confessed initially I was embarrassed because MY sons broke a trust and someone discovered it.  After some prayerful moments I was able to see what God was really telling me:

• ·         I gave too much freedom without the structure to handle it. I knew better than to leave boys home alone

• ·         I focused more on the external details that others saw than the actual sin of my sons.  This was a KEY learning detail for us as parents

• ·         I focused on the loss of the car and the behavior without examining the primary issue which was selfishness and the willful act of disobedience not to mention the lying.  Although it was willful disobedience, it was neither rebellion nor defiance.  It was an immature impulsive act without regard to consequence.They wanted what they wanted and did not consider if it would please the LOrd much less their parents.
•     Fear of man dictated the boys choices and not Fear of God

It all required a closer look at the contents of the boy’s heart and mine.  Helping them to walk backward and take responsibility for all the mistakes was a task, but helping them know the right way was more challenging.


After we got through the messiness of the situation I turned to the boys and said, “What do you intend to do about Leo’s plastic deer head? The following scripture and a serious study of Proverbs held more meaning as they trekked across lawns to admit their guilt to Leo, fix the stupid plastic deer head and seek repentance.  Just as important was my walk across the street to ask Leo to forgive me.  I was forced to share my prideful hidden heart motives that kept me defending his genuine desire to help develop my sons’ integrity.  It was a huge area of repentance that needed to happen. 


Matt. 22: 37-40 Jesus said to him, “You shall love the Lord you God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all you mind. This is the fist and great commandment.  And the second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. On these two commandments hang all the Law and the Prophets.”


Many years later we look back and see that yes broken trust and broken rules can have consequences that have long term effects on certain areas but never in the relationships of the family.  Mistakes are a normal part of growing up in a family. Mistakes are going to happen and some will be worse than others.  Families must learn to stand on the truth of God the Father believing He will never leave us nor forsake us and NEVER will your God-appointed family.


Loving as Christ has instructed is a life- long process and the role of the family is modeling, holding, and training.  In our family, the years slowly began to surface three sons who began to show consideration to others and treat even their sisters how they wanted to be treated.  Character is caught in experiences of living.  I will never be convinced that it can be taught without the benefit of action. I believe the cliché, “character is caught more than taught.” Do we all struggle with our responses to sin?  Yes.  Do we have issues with pride?  Yes.  But in a family that is transparent we can share those weaknesses as we seek direction from God for transformation.


II. What and how do we replace righteous behavior after recognizing the sin?


A family is not made up of perfect people or perfect relationships but is created through experiences that are FULL of MISTAKES and it is those mistakes that are opportunities to draw us closer to our Father. 


·         Drawing close to the Father is what He desires.  God is 100% relationship.  Quit focusing on what behavior was done, once recognized, remove and forget it.   Begin an intentional plan on focusing on the word of God and what He says. 

• ·         With siblings 10 years and older give them the responsibility of discovering what God’s direction is in the Word.  This won’t happen without parents making it a part of the natural consequences of their choices.  They must be trained to probe their own heart and come to the conclusions of the moral right and wrong.  The expectation to share the discovery is paramount to this being effective means of understanding.

•  ·         As a family make a commitment to read the book of Proverbs.  There are 31 proverbs, if one is read every day of the month, prayed over, discussed without condemnation then  God will transform everyone who participates.   

•           The book of Proverbs should be a priority study for every single, couple, marriage and family.  Its purpose is to bless and guide with direct and personal wisdom from God.  Ask yourself if you have ever made a deliberate study of the Proverbs.  If your answer is NO, then God is just waiting for you to seek Him.  If your answer is YES, God is waiting to reveal something new that will encourage, stretch and cause you to go deeper in relationship with your best friend, your creator, your Daddy.

Well precious readers, this is enough for this week.  Next week take another step with me as I share personal experiences that help me discover the meaning of family.